📜 The United States Constitution of 2026
(Modern Administrative Edition — For Convenience & Revenue)
Preamble
We the Government, in order to form a more manageable population, ensure steady revenue streams, reduce our own paperwork, and maintain plausible deniability, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America, subject to fees, penalties, and processing delays.
Article I — General Rights (Subject to Approval)
Section 1. Freedom of Speech
Citizens shall enjoy freedom of speech, provided such speech does not violate platform policies, workplace standards, municipal codes, or cause discomfort to any official agency.
Section 2. Freedom of Travel
Citizens are free to travel, provided they obtain proper licensing, registration, insurance, emissions compliance, toll payments, and consent to roadside questioning.
Section 3. Property Rights
Property shall remain the property of the citizen unless suspected of wrongdoing, convenience, or budgetary usefulness.
Section 4. Regulation Clause
All rights may be reasonably regulated. “Reasonable” shall be defined exclusively by the regulating authority.
Article II — Due Process (Expedited Version)
Section 1.
No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law.
Section 2.
Due process may occur before, during, or after deprivation, depending on staffing levels.
Section 3.
Administrative hearings shall count as court, even if held next to a copier or folding table.
Section 4.
The burden of proof shall rest entirely on the citizen.
Article III — Revenue Assurance
Section 1.
Any money owed to citizens by the State may instead be retained by the State and applied to any outstanding obligation, real or imagined.
Section 2.
Such action shall be called an “offset,” and citizens shall be notified after the funds have been seized.
Section 3.
Refunds are considered a courtesy, not a guarantee.
Article IV — Driving Privileges
Section 1.
Driving shall be considered a privilege granted at the pleasure of the State.
Section 2.
Said privilege may be suspended for unpaid tickets, taxes, child support, paperwork errors, expired stickers, or general non-cooperation vibes.
Section 3.
Citizens remain free to walk great distances.
Section 4.
Refusal to cooperate shall be interpreted as consent to penalties.
Article V — Administrative Justice
Section 1.
All minor disputes shall be resolved through administrative hearings conducted by employees of the issuing authority.
Section 2.
Hearings shall last approximately four minutes or until the official becomes bored.
Section 3.
Winning shall be statistically unlikely but theoretically possible.
Section 4.
Appeals may be filed during business hours between 10:00–10:07 AM on alternating Tuesdays.
Article VI — Civil Asset Redistribution
Section 1.
Property suspected of involvement in wrongdoing may be seized immediately.
Section 2.
The property itself shall stand trial.
Section 3.
Owners may petition for its return after hiring an attorney and sacrificing several months of their life.
Section 4.
Proceeds shall be used to purchase tactical equipment, office furniture, and morale-boosting pizza parties.
Article VII — Compliance Infrastructure
Section 1.
Citizens shall maintain all required licenses, permits, registrations, certifications, renewals, passwords, and two-factor authentication devices.
Section 2.
All forms shall be available online but incompatible with mobile devices.
Section 3.
Customer service shall be limited to automated menus and extended hold times.
Article VIII — Enforcement Priorities
Section 1.
Serious crimes shall be investigated as resources permit.
Section 2.
Parking violations shall be enforced immediately and without mercy.
Section 3.
Camera systems shall operate 24 hours per day and possess perfect memory.
Article IX — Notifications
Section 1.
Important notices shall be mailed to outdated addresses.
Section 2.
Deadlines shall expire before said mail arrives.
Section 3.
Failure to respond shall be considered consent.
Article X — Definitions
Right — Something you technically have but must fight to exercise
Privilege — Something we can remove whenever convenient
Administrative — Cheaper for us, worse for you
Convenience Fee — Punishment with better branding
Temporary — Permanent
Bill of Rights (Updated 2026 Edition)
Amendment I — The Right to Wait
Citizens shall have the right to wait indefinitely for agency responses.
Amendment II — The Right to Be Recorded
All movements may be photographed or recorded for safety and revenue purposes.
Amendment III — The Right to Hold
All phone calls shall begin with “Your call is important to us” and continue for no less than 45 minutes.
Amendment IV — The Right to Fees
Every transaction shall include a processing fee, service fee, technology fee, and convenience fee.
Amendment V — The Right to Terms & Conditions
All freedoms are subject to updates without notice.
Amendment VI — The Right to Paperwork
For every action, there shall exist an equal and opposite form.
Amendment VII — The Right to Automated Decisions
Citizens may be judged by algorithms with no human explanation.
Amendment VIII — The Right to Mild Inconvenience
Nothing shall ever work on the first attempt.
Closing Statement
This Constitution guarantees that citizens may do anything they wish, provided it requires no license, no fee, no approval, and does not interfere with revenue collection.
